Smothered Art	SWATCHES Cut swatches out of artworks and bind them together to make an art sample book. Annotate by colors, chronology, materials, etc.	DROWNING Cast a pair of 'concrete overshoes' for the art; then take it to a bridge, pier, or boat and sink it in the water.	PARING/SKINNING Pare artwork like an apple; see how long a peeling can be obtained (no breaks). Skin 3-dimensional works like a deer; try to get a whole 'hide'.	DRAGGING Tie artwork securely to car bumper and drag for 50 miles. Unpaved back roads, fields, creeks, etc., give better results than highways.	STARVATION Tie artwork to a tree in the deep woods and leave it for at least two weeks. Use heavy rope, tape, or chains. Aim for a period of bad weather.
	VENTILATING Make numerous holes in artwork. Possible methods: drilling, shooting, punching, burning or blowtorching, carving, sawing.	BEATING Beat up artwork, preferably using a nail-studded 2-by-4. Pin to the floor first to reduce resistance.	POISONING Force artwork to absorb poisons such as aconite, arsenic, cyanide, etc. Also try corrosives: lye, battery acid, nitric acid, etc.	BARBECUING Cut art into hand-size chunks, skewer, truss if necessary, and grill over hot coals (no open flame). Turn frequently until charred.	LAUNCHING Take artwork to the top of a very tall building and drop, push, throw, or catapult it over the edge.
PANCAKING Run over artwork with heavy machinery such as a steam roller or tractor. Or tie to tracks until run over by a train or streetcar.	CANNING Chop artwork coarsely; mix with sugar, pectin, and water; boil for several hours; ladle into sterile Ball jars; cap with wax or paraffin.	CASTING Tear or chop up art as small as possible; dig a deep pit; castin resin, wax, or hot metal. Cover casting with dirt and leave it there.	SUFFOCATION Suffocate the art. Possible tools: a pillow, a rug, cotton wool, clay, a piece of canvas, a plastic garment bag, or a combination of the above.	BURNING Cut art up into component colors, burn separately, and store the ashes in marked containers. Or make smear slides of the ashes.	CHAINING Wrap artwork securely in chains and padlock. Throw away the key. If necessary, first strangle the artwork using wire, cord, or stocking.
HANGING Tar and feather artwork until it becomes unrecognizable. Then hang it from the limb of a tree and leave it.	FREEZING Cut artwork into small (i.e. loaf-size) pieces, wrap in double layer of tinfoil, and store in freezer. Label clearly.	MULCHING Chop art coarsely, mix with dirt, and spray thoroughly with water. Turn heap over periodically; add more art and water as necessary.	SAMPLING Take core samples of artwork, stacking individual works several layers deep in chronological order. Annotate the core samples.	PAPIER MACHÉ Cut paper artwork into strips and soak in flour-and-water paste to make papier maché. Use for lampshades, masks, cutlery, pets, etc.