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SCENE 3 Ishmael wonders why we need a trial. fate [to Monkey-General]: "Now, what is the charge here? What is this sailor accused of?" Ishmael: "Just tell me my fate then." flunky hands fate some papers in a fat folder. Monkey-General: "High treason, your honor." bystander lets a little rat out of his pocket, which scurries under the bench. Nobody notices. Monkey-General: "War chimes." Ishmael grimaces. fate raises her brows. Ishmael: "I will not be accused of war chimes." fate: "What makes that high treason? What octave are we talking about?" Monkey-General: "Chimes against humanity." bystander: "But they're inaudible!" Ishmael: "I can't even sing, let alone chime." fate: "If it is below middle C I am afraid we may be talking about low treason. [to bystander]: Are you here as a witness or an observer? Make up your mind. You don't get to do both, it's not fair." Ishmael: "And it takes more than one to chime in." bystander: "I'd say it was virtual treason." fate [to Ishmael]: "Good point. Did you have an accomplice? [to Monkey-General]: Did he have an accomplice?" Monkey-General: "A couple, as far as I can ascertain, your (w)ho(re)nor." fate smiles approvingly at the prosecutor's use of her hornorifics. Monkey-General begins pacing. Monkey-General: "There was that woman with the laces and..." howweird has arrived. bystander slides a lump of sugar across the floor to howweird, who ambles aimlessly into the courtroom. flunky bellows: "First witless, your Honor." howweird stands perfectly still in the center of the room, watching the proceedings. flunky: "Er, witness, I meant. Witness." Ishmael: "Who is defending me against these ridiculous accusations?" fate [to Monkey-General]: "Is this horse one of your witnesses, Prosecutrix? If not we should proceed with the question of the widow." Monkey-General: "Yes, a witness for the prosecution, sir/ma'am." howweird sniffs the ground for a few spare grains. fate [to flunky]: "Swear in the horse." flunky [to howweird]: "Raise your right hoof and repeat after me:" Dissatisfied, howweird moves towards the door. Ishmael swears under his breath. flunky: "I,... what's your name, witness?" howweird swishes his tail back and forth and lets out a long neigh. howweird: "Weirrrrrrrrrd." Ishmael: "A horse in the courts, of course of course." flunky: "I, Neigh, do solemnly swear..." Monkey-General scratches her brow. howweird: "Weirrrrrrrrrrrd." flunky: "Sorry, let me repeat that. I, Neigh Weirrrrd, do solemnly swear...." Ishmael wonders if this is legal. howweird scratches the ground three times. flunky: ".... to give abject evidence in the cause of military justice...." howweird pushes his lips back over his teeth, flattens his ears, and threatens the judge. fate looks taken aback. Ishmael sits down and tries to get control of himself. flunky: "....and not to avoid even the most nonsensical questions, answering everything either Yeigh or Neigh." howweird tosses his head in the air. Ishmael suspects the horse has made a deal with the Weekly World News. fate: "NeighWeiiirrrd, control yourself!" howweird stands perfectly still. Monkey-General: "This may be a hostile witness, your honor." fate: "Thank you. Well, it is your witness after all, who can blame it for being hostile? Ask a question, let's see what it knows."
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